r/bipolar

TMI but I am keeping it tame and clinical.

I am a person with a very low libido + a lil bit sex repulsed. I do like to masturbate though, but I noticed I can't overdo it since I may spiral. Which mostly display itself by doing it multiple times a day, my thoughts are getting all over the place and I start to act very erratic. If I don't cut it at the source, I risk being hypomaniac. Plus, that's how my mania episode started, by engaging with sexual content, just diving head first into it. I always feel very bad about it, sometimes even during the episode.

I have gotten the diagnosis of bipolar 1 after a psychotic episode this year. I’m 36y and know the event was triggered by coming off and going back on a prescribed stimulant medication (among pregnancy and several other traumatic events back to back). The manic psychosis was brutal and was followed by several weeks of mania (without ongoing psychosis) that was very joyful. Ultimately this has made me feel very insecure about feeling joy or happiness as I am fearful of another episode. Does anyone else feel this way? And any suggestions for coping, or sussing out true happiness vs hypomania?

I write this is as I try desperately to write a chapter for my book, but the fact of the matter is, I'm getting nowhere, and haven't gotten anywhere for 10 fucking years, and it's because this disorder has rotted my brain. To the point where even if I took a break and tried to write something else, I couldn't do it. I am just not smart enough. I'm 29, but as the kids say - I'm fucking cooked.

So we all know that mania causes brain damage, right? Well, I feel like I have holes in by brain, something that has been nibbling away at any potential I ever had in life. With every episode, I get progressively more stupid. I can barely do simple addition in my head anymore, much less form a complete thought. I'm miserable. At least I'm funny. Not that you can gather that from this post. Every now and then I have a moment of genius, but for the most part, I feel like a drooling troglodyte.

I'm on meds, but I'm not good at taking them. I don't think the meds will help, at this point. I'm so sick of feeling stupid, because I AM smart, I AM capable, I have SO MUCH potential - but getting to know me is the equivalent of biting into a very shiny piece of fruit and finding that it's full of worms.

Makes me want to self-destruct, if I'm honest.