Rare_Basis_9380
u/Rare_Basis_9380
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So that's the thing. When I got out, I went to stay with my dad. He initially took me to get an ID card because I needed one to get on the greyhound bus back home. When we got there, the clerk asked me if I had any driving-related offenses. I said yes. She said she had no record of them, and issued me a driver's license. I shit you not. It was like it never happened. I know I should have gotten a new license the second I got back home, but I haven't yet. Typing this out has made me realize how much I'm playing with fire.
It wasn't great. I had an additional battery of a LEO charge because I kicked one of the cops who arrested me in the nuts. I refused to take a breathalyzer test. All I wanted to do was talk to a mental health professional, but when the cop said "I don't give a shit if you're bipolar or schizophrenic," I flipped out. The cops who gave me a field sobriety test laughed at me. I knew there was absolutely no chance I was gonna get out of this, and when I sobered up, I knew damn well what I did, so I pled guilty.
The repercussions have been real for me. If I go out to dinner with friends, and I drove myself there, I do not drink. If I do, I suck down water, and shut up. I completely withdraw from the conversation. The only thing on my mind is whether or not I am good to drive. I get nervous if I have to drive in the rain. My hands shake. If I'm driving my husband somewhere, I turn off the music, so I can hear if anyone honks at me. I listen to the radio; I don't bother with Spotify, because that requires handling my phone. ANYTHING that takes my attention away from the road and this two-ton death trap I am driving is inconsequential. Maybe I'm a little TOO fucked up from the whole ordeal. But every time I get behind that wheel, I am reminded of how much I took it for granted, once, and do my best to make sure I don't do ANYTHING to let it happen again.
I think, if I had sobered up and my lawyer told me I'd killed someone, I would have tried to off myself. Not to escape prison, but because I would have been distraught, and it would seem only fair. I can't BELIEVE I used to be the kind of person who thought drunk driving was even remotely OK. I was deeply, deeply lost, and to this day, I wonder if I deserve to be alive.
I wish I still had the pictures of my car. Just imagine a smashed-up 2012 VW Beetle. Roof caved in, windows busted, front torn off.
