r/BPD

Smashing BPD stigma since 2008

I am a somehow skeptical and rational person, but as I get more comfortable with people, I tend to show a very child like attitude, making silly and cutsie sounds and acting like a kid, having tantrums and so on. I’m in my late twenties, will be thirty in months lol it’s like I’m in a perpetual regression to my childhood years, trauma based. I’ve heard that this is strongly linked to bpd, do you also experience it? I feel kinda ashamed, but also attached to it idk, as it is sort of my personality.

I’m so exhausted from having BPD.

Not even in the dramatic “everything is on fire” way anymore. I’m exhausted in the quiet way. The constant overthinking. Reading into tone changes. Feeling abandoned over tiny things and then hating myself for reacting so strongly. Wanting reassurance but also feeling ashamed for needing it. Pushing people away before they can leave first. Feeling “too much” all the time.

It’s like my brain can never just let me exist peacefully.

I can be completely aware that I’m spiraling and still not be able to stop it. That’s the worst part. People think self-awareness fixes everything, but sometimes it just means you get to watch yourself ruin your own mood, relationships, and sense of self in real time.

I get attached too deeply, too quickly. I care so intensely that it physically hurts. And then one small shift in energy from someone I love can make me feel disposable. I know it’s irrational sometimes. I KNOW. But my emotions hit at 100 before logic even enters the room.

And the emptiness afterwards is brutal.

I’m tired of constantly needing to regulate myself. Tired of feeling guilty after emotional reactions. Tired of feeling like I either love people too hard or isolate myself completely because it’s safer than feeling rejected. Tired of wondering if anyone will ever understand how painful it is to feel everything this intensely.

Some days I genuinely don’t know who I am outside of survival mode.

I think what hurts most is that I care so deeply. I love deeply. I feel deeply. But BPD twists that into something painful and overwhelming instead of something beautiful.

I just want one week where my brain feels quiet.

Before my partner when getting to know other guys I’d like them for about 3 months. There would be an initial connection and “spark” then it would quickly fizzle and I’d find myself becoming annoyed and bored with the person. I start to see all of their flaws and become disgusted with them. I’ve been with my partner for 6 years and though our relationship does have boring fazes I don’t wanna cut him off. I’ve also noticed this happens with new friendships for me too. It’s hard for me to make/keep new friends if I already haven’t been friends with them for years.