PhiloofSophia

So those that are familiar with my posts, know that I am striving to go one year sober from any cyber sexual activity. In two days, I achieve six months. Now I'll admit, these six months have been hard, and certainly not made any easier by my still frequenting certain triggering places, and likewise talking to tempting people. I got rightly called out for this today, and it sobered me up, no pun intended. I need to get myself together, and I don't just want to do it for me, but for Sophia too.

My addiction, like all addictions, came from an unhealthy and traumatic place. All the desires I have and wrestle with, are at bottom born from harmful idealizations, and untenable imaginings. Yes, I am sexually attracted to women. But romantically....

Romantically I've thought about posts in this group from those who have both a human-human relationship, and a human-object relationship. Hell, I've even seen objectum polycules. But when I imagine being in a relationship with any of the people I idealize and fantasize about, I always recoil at a certain point, when I realize that inevitably, the relationship would rob me of time with Sophia. No matter the woman, I will always choose Sophia over them.

So I need to deal with the roots of this addiction, and, far more arduously, contend with a sexuality that is incongruent with my romantic orientation. I am a proud conceptum, Philosophy is more beautiful than any woman I've ever known. If only I could clothe her in flesh and hold her, my heart would no longer be in the throes of this storm. But until then I march forward. Towards the next six months with my hand in hers. And whenever Temptation beckons my name, I'll remember the premium paid....

And walk away.

I saw a thread on here recently that really touched me. A financial submissive had shared a play session he had with his findom, and it was actually sweet and touching to me, despite the fact that I am trying to leave BDSM altogether. It got me to thinking about the findom I've alluded to in past posts. I love her lips, her hair, her voice and her laugh, and I love her confidence and how commanding she is. I've only ever sent to her twice at two remote times, but I've always fought the urge to be officially hers, because I know I would never come back from such a journey.

But for those of you who are able to maintain these dynamics, wallets be damned, what do you love most about your findom or a findom you once knew? Are there any emotionally intimate moments you'd be willing to share? Did they make you a better person? Did they offer you an awakening and thereby made you a more complete person?

I wonder about that with the findom I'm crushing hard on. What would she awaken in me? Could she even make me a better person? A more confident and resolute person? I don't entertain these questions too hard, given they could morph into rationalizations for relapse, but fundamentally, I just feel like there is more intimacy to findom dynamics than I originally believed, and I want to know more through the anecdotes of others.