Sorry in advance....This'll most likely be my last post here and I'll probably leave here anyway. I just wanted to get this out there, somewhere so that my voice can be heard.
As much as I hated the thought of leaving all this progress behind before my senior year, I had to face the truth which my family and advisors argued with me on months for: that it was holding back my potential, and that I would be better off without it.
I am tired of music. And marching band directly killed my 10+ year passion for it.
It wasn't from finances, my instrument or the amount of time spent. It was because of the toxic, one-sided community there. And I could only tolerate so much before I reached a breaking point.
My section had a lot of great example students that would get all the glaze and awards from teachers and staff, but outside they were often lazy, pessimistic and abusive of the privileges they get. I was putting in a lot of work doing my best to be kind and reasonable, trying to give back to the community. They'd always outcast me from the friend group, and I would always blame myself for it by either criticizing my personality or my effort not being right or enough.
On top of this targeting, in marching season they would always criticize me with direct attacks on me. Not even genuine feedback like what I would get from staff. The seniors, section leaders and even younger people would just bash me and I'd try to brush it off to keep giving my best effort. But it gets way too far, being joked around and beaten up like this can only reach a certain point.
But eventually, they started to always rely on me to do things for them, then put the blame on me for disasters and mistakes they intentionally made and would keep doing. Everyone would just laugh when I'd call out that it was their doing and not mine. Not a single person, even people I thought of as friends would stand up for me or take my side. Only one person would actually comfort me after everyone left and continued to gossip about me. And this would happen on a regular basis for the past three years, even during the time outside of marching band, concert classes, and when wind symphony competed in Carnegie Hall.
I play better than almost everyone except for two people a year older than me. All the other section members just stopped putting any effort into playing because they all expected me to power creep and put in the work to carry as a lead player. I started to realize that most people who acted nice around me in band would just use me for something later like a project in classes, steal my work and not even give a sense of gratitude. They'd join the norm of treating me like a joke and then more people would use me like a worthless tool. I've blocked off contact with these fake friends and a lot of band people in general, I cannot afford to trust anyone around me anymore. This goes for the staff too, some of them are just incredibly blind and negligent.
So many people in my marching band just seem to complain about everything, form their own friend groups and enjoy the experience. If you still enjoy band and are passionate about it, that's great. But for me, the number of days in band where I was pretending to be satisfied outnumber the days I actually was, and it's not even by a close margin. I haven't felt happy with music for a single day in the past two years. I'd return home late, exhausted from a practice, dropping my nice act and bottling my frustration where no one else could visibly see. I hated how fake my life always felt returning to music after the pandemic.
I still have flashes and reoccurring memories of their derogatory and racist hate comments, the death threats I would get, and much more I don't want to say. It's severely lowered my self-esteem, my confidence, any hope or faith I would try to have in myself, and all sense of belonging. I questioned my identity, my existence, if I deserved any kindness or support, and inflicted lots of unnecessary self-harm upon myself, all while still holding up a fake persona to the end of my current school year. Even now, I can only count the amount of people who genuinely are supportive and caring friends on one hand.
I think the best thing for me is to distance myself and give space to what I need. I already accepted the fact there's no point in doing this if I don't enjoy it at all.
So, after months of thought, I wrote a sincere email to my band director, talked things out with my counselor and confirmed my decision last month on my birthday in school. I'll share the contents below, with any private information taken out.
"For the sake of confidentiality, I would prefer if this email were read in private, and that its contents are not disclosed to anyone.
Unfortunately, I am writing to you that I will not be participating as a member of the ###### Program for this 2026-2027 Season. This includes both ######## and ######.
This decision was not an easy one by any means, as I had been debating on it as early as Spring of 2025. While my motivation and enjoyment had already been on a spiraling decline, I mentioned to both you and ###### when questioning if I wanted to go for lead ###### that "As long as I have fun, I am perfectly fine with the part best fit for the program."
Eventually, I convinced myself to give another chance at enjoying ##### this junior year for the reason that "I would be leaving my friends if I quit now." I look back on this year with the most effort and dedication I have possibly given to any extracurricular program, the most I have ever focused on helping people, and the least I have done for myself. However, that commitment is plagued by endless regret and turmoil from the toxic and negligent environment that caused this decision. The excessive amount of chronic stress and discomfort has made me realize there was no reason to stay, and I cannot call these people my "friends." In fact, there are probably multiple returning #### members who would view me as a person who gets no friends.
I refuse to let myself continue in this program out of the "obligatory" feeling anymore. I have no intent to remain from how my experience has caused me to lose my 10-year ongoing passion for music.
While the people primarily responsible for this are mostly graduating, their judgment clearly remains by the cold looks and insults I am given by underclassmen and fellow juniors from just basic interactions like walking by and saying "Hello". I am exhausted from their complaints, rumors, derogatory comments and false accusations, how other people listen to their gossip and treat me as a machine more than a human being. The expectations placed upon me from peer pressure and the lack of any support have brought immense frustration and despair upon my mind.
The fact that other members accept this inhumane treatment as a social norm and do not question nor support me whatsoever for countless instances has made it clear that this environment is not one I can tolerate anymore. I have not gone a single day in this season without faking my personality and hiding my inner self to pretend being happy and polite while taking all the disrespect and hate people pleased in lashing out on me, both within and outside of ####. The weight of ******** and ******** has continued to burden me to limits I believe no one should experience during this young age.
I want to make clear that this decision is not impulsive or reactionary. It is the result of years of reflection, countless attempts to persevere, and a genuine desire to find enjoyment in music, time after time again. It is with deep regret to inform you that I cannot do that here any longer, and I hope this decision is understood as an act of honesty rather than abandonment.
Over the past year, I've experienced different communities, indulging in internships and being treated with mutual respect and collaboration. The satisfaction from these experiences and how #### has fared to them made me understand that remaining in the program would mean sacrificing my mental health, my self‑respect, and the passion that once defined a major part of my life. I have concluded that the best decision for my well-being to recover is to step away and close off all contact with this program, to move forward without the weight of a toxic environment to submerge my self-preservation.
Again, I am asking for this to not be disclosed with other members of the ### program.
I want to protect my privacy, and I do not want to announce my leave to anyone at the tail end of this school year. That is why I write this email, to take my leave quietly with peace and no other intent.
If one were to ask why I left upon not seeing me in #### ####, the "reason" would be that I chose to focus on research, which I am fine with sharing. To those that complain about the ####### section's performance with my absence as an excuse, I want to make clear that I no longer concern myself by the opinions of individuals who consistently treated me as a tool. Their comments and expectations that I become the lead ####### without leaving reflect their own behavior, and not my character or contributions.
Without further ado, thank you for the opportunities and experiences I have had throughout my time in the program. I truly wish the best for its future, but I must now prioritize my own.
Have a nice day."
I'm still a bit speechless by how easy it was to leave and figure out the rest of my high school credits. I'm still shaken whenever friends I know talk about band, the people and anything related to it in front of me. The few friends I have left will tell me that they're proud of my decision, but I still don't know how to feel about it...and I don't think I ever will.
Thanks to anyone who has read all of this. I had to get this off somewhere. And it means a lot.
